While I don't necessarily consider myself a risk taker, I do like to take certain risks, and this was prevalent at a young age. It was circa 1993 and I was 5 years old when the babysitter's son challenged me to a game of pride and ego. We decided it would be an excellent idea to jump off the side of a staircase at the point where the step sticks out past the handrail. The winner would be whoever wasn't chicken enough to jump off the highest step. Of course I had to get caught in the act, and right when we were almost at the last step! The babysitter tugged at my shirt and as I let go, my left leg crossed inward. I hit the ground half 'indian-style' and it broke. Fast forward to September 11th, 2019, a day already to never forget but now I will also think of it as the day I let peer pressure, pride and ego influence me to make a poor choice. It all began when we arrived at the gym around 8:00pm. Tom-a-roni and Sammy were discussing a particular green-taped route in the gym. Sammy was busy 'stroking my ego' by telling Tom that I had climbed the route the week before, in gym shoes no less- (I had forgotten mine) and that I had onsighted it. Another climber in the gym was having trouble with the start and said they would like to see the 'short person' beta and they would be happy to watch me climb it. I was only going to do the start (effectively a boulder problem) so I clipped the auto-belay back. Little did I know that the bottom portion of the route had been changed, and I could no longer get the start. I fell several times before I decided to jump left for the next hold. With a flow of adrenaline and a one-track mind I pushed off the first hold and lunged for the second. As I grabbed the second hold, my feet cut away from the wall. I tried quickly to purchase my right foot back on the small holds to the right, but as I got my right foot up my left hand slipped, sending me left-foot first to the ground. It was only about 4 feet up but the "pop" noise was distinct; I was pretty sure what happened. After playing girls lacrosse in high school in addition to coaching and officiating the sport, I've seen a lot of ACL injuries. I couldn't stand up or straighten my leg, but as I sat there, I slowly straightened it back out. There goes another "pop". Maybe it went back in?! Oh well. I got up and hobbled around for a bit. It didn't seem that bad. Sammy and I went out for a couple beers at Intracoastal and then we went home.  Day 2 ANALYSIS
Sitting here now 2 days later- with a 2/3 torn ACL, partial tear of the MCL and nothing but time and no activities that I love- I think about how I got to this point. People might say 'there was nothing you could've done' but in fact there were several things that did not feel right about the situation. Usually if there's a big crowd of people I don't try to show off or if someone asks me to 'show them the beta' I don't usually 'give in', (I've hurt myself doing that before, though not as bad- sometimes I question if they want me to hurt myself?!) but this time I did. I already did this route and it didn't seem that hard when I did it, so I thought it would be easy. After not completing the starting move the first few times, I should've just sat down, but then I had so much ego (I really wanted to get the move and show everyone how to do it!) that I didn't put the auto-belay on before trying to jump for it (still well below even the top of the bouldering cave height). LESSONS HOPEFULLY LEARNED- DON"T FORGET! I think the lessons here are basically two things:
I feel really bad for making this mistake because it makes our sport look bad. Sure, ACL injuries are common in tons of other sports and people can also tear them while reaching for a bar of soap in the shower, but doing it while climbing someone will say " I told you it was a dangerous sport!" This injury was totally preventable, I guess as so many are in climbing (rapping off the end of your lines, not putting in pro when you very well could have, and tons of other examples). I guess what makes this accident different to me is that I don't feel it's really climbing related. Many times as climbers we put ourselves into risky situations that we feel we can handle and if something happens, then it happens- we accepted that risk. I had let my guard down in the gym, thinking nothing could happen to me there. I think this entry from Arno's blog really sums it up: "...let’s say I climb well and succeed on a route. Some people will judge me as a great climber because I succeeded, while others will judge me as a showoff. Let’s say I fall and fail on a route. Some people will judge me as a great climber because I gave my best effort, while others will judge me as unskilled because I fell. I’m judged positively and negatively regardless of the outcomes I created. Focusing on desiring compliments or avoiding criticisms shift our attention to what we can’t control. We feel like a success or a failure based on other people’s judgments, not on how we feel about our effort. Instead of this unhealthy mindset, we should shift our focus away from these judgements. Knowing that we’ll be judged regardless of the outcomes we create helps us shift our attention to what we actually can control: ourselves. ...We’re neither successes nor failures based on our achievements or others’ judgments. By pausing and shifting our attention to our effort, we develop peace of mind. Our mind peacefully takes in information, processes it for intelligent value, and utilizes or discards it. The whole process becomes part of the learning journey we’re engaged in. We don’t worry about other people judging us for the grade we climb or if we fall. We focus completely on our climbing and enjoy it."
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